We’ve somehow managed to wrangle the kingpins of our favourite book club ever, Even Books, into gracing the Throw Shapes domain with some words about words each week.

After the jump, witness the debut column of Alice Fenton and Angela Bennetts, as they do the unmentionable and judge their beloved books as they shalt not be judged – and do so, we note, with more than a small amount of joie de vivre. Philistines, basically…

For the first ever Even Books column, we’re going shallow. Shallower than a kiddies’ pool at midday. Sure, we like books. Love them even. But whoever said you can’t judge them by their covers is telling a tall story (we’re looking at you, mama). As we’re the resident Book Boffins, here we decode some of the dippiest.

Clearly, this is a book about the spring-time jaunt of salmon up the frozen fjords; fast they swim, loosened is the ice on the water’s top, lovely they look, lovelier they taste with a dash of soy sauce. But upon using our internerds detective-ing skills, we find that this is actually the flagship front of a fan fiction page. Scoop! Basically, you pick out a schmaltzy cover, insert schmaltzy story, and voila, you are a hero in the fandom world forevs.

Read? Definitely.

If this doesn’t scream MILITARY JAUNTINESS we don’t know what does. Maybe the trees could be a little less bendy (WE ONLY LIKE THE STRAIGHTS!). And the man’s hair (IS it a man?) could be a little more cropped, his legs a little more toned, the thing in his hand a little less like A BOOK. Soldiers don’t read books! Soldiers burn books or shoot them with their bazookas! Still, there is nothing to fault with the title. All it needs is a smattering of freckles and a switch of barley hanging from its buckteeth.

Read? Well, you wouldn’t want people to think you were a Communist now, would you?

The logic here is amazing. Trailers totally DO lose what leaders win! And if you’re not ahead, just BE ahead. What are you, some kind of trailer? Be a speed boat! Or at least buy one. A little EFFORT, Old Sport, really.

Read? Yes! Unless you’re a trailer…

Umm, WHAT? Ghostbusters was a BOOK?! Starring ERNIE HUDSON! WHO IS ERNIE HUDSON! OK apparently he is the black dude. But why flaunt him, and not Bill Murray, funny lady with the squeaky voice and big glasses, Rick Moranis, or ANY OF THE OTHER MAJOR FILM STARS? That aside, what we like best about this cover is that: 1. It was published by a company called “Spacesick”. Space is sick, it’s true. In the 1993 version of the word, where “sick” means “awesome”. 2. It gives absolutely nothing away about what happens in the book. There is no suggestion of Slimer, the friendly green garbage disposal unit ghost, or Sigourney Weaver’s outrageously 80s eye makeup, or how yummy the marshmallow man looked. This is like a raging whorehound wearing a demure library jersey. We like. 3. The colour purple. It’s a nice shade!

Read? Only if you think your imagination beats this guy’s.

Well, talk about spoilt for choice.

Read? Indeed. *leery grin*

It is obvious to everyone that 1984 is a classic novel. We say that because it resulted in the TV show Big Brother, and clearly anything resulting in a reality TV show is QE2 knots beyond anything else. And suddenly, we realise where the producers of Big Brother got all their hot potatoes. No, it wasn’t the actual text itself. No siree. It was clearly this cover. Let us demonstrate. Item 1: Dominatrix dude, clothed in all-black. This is similar to the “ninjas” whose faces are obscured, but do all the weird little kinky things round the house, like moving things to mess with the inmates’ heads, and bullying them in the Friday Night Games. Item 2: Girls with boosies exposed. Enough said. Item 3: Crumbling brick wall. This would be the poor state of the house, held in Dreamworld, QLD. Made of cheap plywood and filled with quasi-funky chaises, this is every interior decorator’s worst nightmare. Item 4: Cut-off shirt, undercut, one pierced ear on back-turned guy. Aka, bogan. Case closed.

Read? No, you’ll get everything you need to know from this cover.

What a delightful cover! The fat controller got his foot stuck on James the Blue Engine, but luckily did not forget his green man purse. He is reaching to pull his celly from it, and contact the Emergency Services (a little embarrassing, he thinks, but better than missing the 6 o’clock creamy potato soup at the station). However his belly is interfering. How will he squeeze out of this scrape? Will a kindly passersby unstuck him? Only reading this book (in Russian, sure) will unravel the mystery …

Read? Da! (that’s Russian for ‘duh’).

We’re all for a life of the mind, but this imagination kite is scary. It’s about to eat the guy who’s flying it! Talk about high. This is the ultimate bad trip. You’re looking up at the sky, watching the kite of your mind’s eye soaring with the breeze, and then BAM, it’s all gnashing teeth and slimy fish gums coming down at you and suddenly you live a fish’s belly. And the fish is a psycho fish. So psycho that it eats itself and discovers you again and then eats you again. And then again. And again. Times infinity.

Read? Call us party poopers, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

+ + til next time, even books + +

Posted by Even Books in Gatecrashers, Words

Tags: book clubs, book covers, book lovers, books, even books, even books gatecrash