For their first gatecrash in 2010, Alice F and Angela B of even books tackle ‘those skanky skulkers on your bookshelf that just wont leave the party, and you’re not sure who invited them in the first place anyway’. It’s their homage to AwfulLibraryBooks.com – and it comes with photographic evidence that yes they actually own these books.

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Chucking out a book is like drowning out a small kitten. Easy! No, it’s really quite difficult, and tugs at your heartstrings like some kind of deranged surgeon who thinks your heart is a violin but has no sense of melody. Oh, THAT book! But my ex-flatmate’s boyfriend used it once to prop up the kitchen table! How we laughed! How we cried! How we ate a balanced meal!

Each book is riddled with memories, and splotched with the remnants of old soups and chocolate bars. But sometimes, when you’re feeling cold and efficient, you look at your bookshelf and think, Hey! Wait a minute! Where did you come from? I hope you aren’t the one that drank the last six pack and puked in my undies draw! Gatecrashers can be fun, can make the vibe electric … but sometimes you’ve got to turn the page on their party time. Here’s some we uncovered, and put to the test.

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What Makes a Teen-ager Say: Sometimes I Feel Like a Blob (1965) by Ethel Barrett

“I don’t know who or what I am or what I’m here for. I can’t seem to get identified.” Never fear, youngster. Your public identification is now complete. You are a HUMAN POO with DEMON EYES, writhing in a GOUACHEY GRADIENT NIGHTMARE. How easy was that? And you thought you were a garden variety BLOB. Author Ethel Barrett’s credentials include, “talking most of her life.” Well, she’s a woman ain’t she? That’s like asking whether the Little Lady can also hoover, dust her man’s pillows with daisies and construct a delightful dinner dish using nothing but cold meats and Jello. Howzabout stating the obvious! Or maybe I should leave it to the pro, Ethel. Anyway, back to you, Turd-ager. With chapters like, “I’m a nobody,” “But my handicaps are not physical,” “I look a fright,” and “I hate to be a poor sport,” it’s no wonder you feel like shit. You are going through an emotional intestine and will not be pooped out the other end until you have your own plasma TV, set of wheels, and can afford enough plastic surgery and distressed jeans to attract the opposite sex. Hang in there, kiddo. At least Ethel Barrett is too busy talking about you to listen to you.

CHUCK OR KEEP? Chuck but keep the cover in case you ever lose your proof of age ID.

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The World Traveller’s Guide to Adult Movies (1982) from the editors of Consumer Guide.

It’s so nice, and adult, to have, “an authoritative assessment” of Debbie Does Dallas and Hot and Saucy Pizza Girls on hand when travelling this great, blue-ball world of ours. Promising to take the mystery out of choosing adult video cassettes (leave mystery where it belongs: to venereal diseases and ‘guess who the Baby Daddy is’ games), it also offers various chin-strokes like, “Some experts are predicting a second sexual revolution, with adult cinema knocking own the last doors of hypocrisy and repression… The stag film dies hard, but the new age looms ahead.” Oh 1982, how rosy were your glasses! This is such a delightful book it deserves to be your pub buddy, not dust collector. And if you were wondering: Debbie Does Dallas = 1 star, script poor, production fair. Hot and Saucy Pizza Girls = 1 star, acting poor, directing poor.

CHUCK OR KEEP? Keep, but in your backpack.

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Corona 1800-2000: Service and Repair Manual (1974-76) produced by Gregory’s Publishing Co.

It’s quite strange to find a book on your shelf for a car you’ve never even owned from a time your parents hadn’t even started doing the naughty business yet. But with punchy, sexy-sounding contents like, REAR AXLE, BODY, LUBRICATION AND MAINTENANCE, CLUTCH and COOLING SYSTEM, it’s hard to kick this puppy to the curb. Also, did you know that there are parts in cars called BLEED SCREWS? And PUSH RODS? And LOCK NUTS? This manual is ruder than the Adult Movies one.

CHUCK OR KEEP? Keep, but move to the coffee table where your Black + White magazine used to be.
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Cycling Around Sydney with Hang Ten (1991)produced by the Bicycle Institute of NSW

Hailing from 1991 – and can’t you tell! Those socks! That jaunty tip o the neon visor! That scenic backdrop of sludge and scrappy sticks! The way the couple can’t even look at each other, still embarrassed from the night before when they got the dance moves to ‘Charly’ by The Prodigy wrong at the warehouse rave! Oh fatal misstep! But – this is a still quite useful how-to of hitting tha roads, Sydney-stylee. And could also be equally used to navigate the triptical nightlife; if only He and She Hang Ten had had this guide yesterday, a lot of heartache would’ve been saved. For instance, it advises, “Nothing deadens your muscles and your concentration like dehydration, so keep the water flowing.” Word, Anna Wood. “Be predictable.” I’m looking at you, nappy wearer. “Don’t weave in and out of parked cars,” – admittedly on LSD it’s hard to tell the difference between a carpark and a giant loom of which you are the sparkly thread. Basically, whether bikerider or gabbahead, there’s something to be gained here.

CHUCK OR KEEP? Shelve it (HAR HAR!!!).

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+ + til next time, even books + +

Posted by steph in Gatecrashers, Words

Tags: Alice Fenton, Angela Bennetts, Awful Library Books, even books, even books gatecrash